This year went like a lightning ... I remember the exact same moment sitting here, writing my Entry for the new year ... full of determination and motivations. As I am thinking about what I have or not achieved this year I just realized that I haven't been through a lot, it wasn't that hard to remember all the days because I spent most of them wondering what to do with my life now ... is this really who I want to be ? is this really the life I was aspiring to ?
Just like we say : "be careful of what you are wishing for", I have worked so hard to get where I am today, but for what ? to prove to myself that I was strong enough to overcome all the difficulties ? strong enough to be standing even after a thousand breakdown ? sometimes I find myself struggling with some situations and trying so hard to get myself out of them that at the end, I don't even remember why am I doing all this .... all that is left are scars that make my dailylife tasteless ... and my soul empty.
I just realized that in this life, I haven't known something else but setting goals and working hard to reach them ... I always seek for heigher and heigher ... is it bad ? I don't know yet ....
I am not asking for anything in particular, but I don't know how to deal with this feeling of emptiness ... I set some resolutions last year and I kept absolutely all of them. What went wrong this time ?? how do I get to face better the new year ? I remember absolutely all the monthes, days and hours ... everything is so ... colorless.
The good things that happend this year :
- I started to play the violin which was an old hidden dream, I am enjoying every second of my learning process, just holding it makes me feel alive, warm and happy. I know I have to work hard but it's worth it, I am never giving up.
- I decided to do something extremely risky in my studies ... which is to start my own project and conduct it myself (I still don't believe I did it), I don't know where this is going to lead me, but I had no choice, this was the only way to sart doing what I love. Though, I still don't know if it is a good or a bad thing that happend this year.
The other things :
Well, that's what is frightening not much happend ... which makes me realize how my life is ... a bunch of goals, if we take away from me my "dreams" and aims my life would be as empty as the space between a nuclei and an electron ... a huge vacuum ...
I think I am obssessed with success, not succeeding in life but succeeding in overcoming the difficult problems in life, I just don't know how to let things go and how to get over the past ... now that I am right in front my life, something is holding me back, some sort of a vicious fear of the future, of the unknown.
FOR 2014 :
For god's sake I need to get a life ! a real one, when I wake up in the morning I want to look at the sky and appreciate how refreshing it can be, without thinking about being good enough or not to succeed in my studying project ... I want to walk and smile for nothing ... I want to hug people in the street and tell them everything is gonna be okay, I want to share my vision of life with others ... I want to make new friends not colleagues just new friends, I want to see how the world is outside, I want to make my life worth living .... not a success. I have been living for years in this mess, it is time for some positive change.
One wish for 2014 : make my dailylife as rich as possible by being the actor of my own life not the viewer.
I don't think anybody is making it to the end but :
HAPPY NEW YEAR 2014 !